Day 2- Having a Team 11/15

My entire life I felt alone, I had family, I had friends, but I never opened up to anyone about my problems. Sometimes I think thats why Jeremy has a such a hard time now, because an entire lifetime of struggles was left on his shoulders with the expectancy to go through every single one with me.
I never thought it was possible to find people that will help me get better, but I think i'm starting to find them.
Meeting Dr. Hainsowrth changed my life, it showed that another person of no relevance to me was going to listen to me, believe what I was saying, and think of any possible solution to help me. Initially after finding out he could not be my primary care physician I was very sad, I finally found someone that takes me seriously and he only does urgent care.. I set up an appointment with a random doctor today to accept the prescription Dr. Hainsworth initially offered to me (which I turned down dt it being an antidepressive) and she was amazing. She did research, asked questions that needed to be asked, and was ecstatic when I told her I would allow her to continue being my MD. It wasn't necessarily anything aside from the fact that she wanted to keep updated with me and continue to be involved that made my patient eyes swoon for her. She asked if I had any extra time and if I was willing to talk to a behavioral specialist- which I did and it went great. It made me realize how much work i've put in over the years to getting better, and how I refuse to throw it down the drain.
When someone is really stressed or troubled sometimes their brain goes into survival mode, meaning that it says and does things it doesn't really mean, sometimes doesn't even remember, to disengage themselves from the situation, argument, or scene.

Survival: If something is dangerous, we will fight, flee, play dead or freeze, hide or submit. If it is safe, we will play with it, nurture it, mate with it, work or be creative.

Im not even going to read this post over or edit it because i'm word vomiting and probably not doing today justice but its just a really nice thought to think that even when I doubt it, I have a team. A team with an amazing, understanding, sometimes stress driven lover, family, and friends who love and adore me. I don't have enough money for a tattoo to mark the shit out of this experience but I have a lover and friends I can tell it to.

Day 1- Vomit 11/13

I made the plunge and decided to call a therapist.
Within the last few days I came to the realization that I have a lot to lose. I love everyone around me more than I love myself, arguably one of my problems, but none the less i'm making it harder for them to be happier too. Im not strong on my own and I depend on others to help me feel confident and unstoppable.
There are a few other harsh realities i've come to, for example, i'm in the gray area of being suicidal. Good for two reasons: 1. It's real to me now and I know what I have to deal with, and 2. Its not all one color yet. Its something I can still pull to either side of the spectrum. With that being said though, of course there are cons. Most importantly is that its real and its something that im going through and wont be done by tomorrow. No one decides to end their life overnight. It takes years of thoughts and escalations above and below their baseline. Sometimes life is amazing but I still have the thought that i'd rather die, sometimes life is shit and I think, fuck i'd love to die. Running away isnt something I should keep doing, it's something I truthfully shit on to be honest. Im talking about it like its a joke but its difficult to write about it as rawly as you go through it. I think sometimes part of therapy is laughing at yourself. Wanting to die but not wanting to kill yourself is a little funny if you ask me.

After a while you cant get mad at people for being exhausted around you. It's understandable and soemtimes I think its a miracle Jeremy loves me so much to stick around and deal with my shit. I made a promise to get better and I intend to keep it so that I can live a great life with everyone in it! This was a somewhat very lighthearted entry about some very serious things, and to continue that off im introducing a diary entry series of pictures and happy things toward well-being and being healthy!

Photos :-)

I bleached my hair for the first time today. I've always wanted to but I was always too scared because of my grandparents. This was almost as revolutionary as me giving myself a sticknpoke 3 years ago at 4am in the morning.  P.s the hair looks better up LOL. Same day photos- different outerwear :-)