Day 8: Good to be happy 6/28

Life has been pretty crazy the last few days.. To start off, i'm at Stump House, a Seattle coffee house, writing this blog post at 6am in the morning. Crazier thing is I was at Portland just a day ago. I haven't seen Jeremy for over two weeks now since he's been at Japan and I miss him probably a little more than a lot. Luckily i'll get to see him as soon as Sunday :-)
I'm very happy to say that this trip has for the most part, been all about me. I didn't obsess over something or have anxiety about Jeremy or anything like that yet, and hopefully the duration of the entire trip (don't jinx it, Nicole). I feel like i've learned quite a bit if I have to really get into it..
Portland is BEAUTIFUL and the people there are super duper absolutely positively nice. Yet, for some reason it doesn't feel like it could be home. Crazy to think that a few years ago I thought that I could pack up all my shit and leave to live there. Maybe one day, just not today.
I learned that communication is key and to trust Jeremy more than I did before. He's a better guy than he used to be. He's more understanding and willing to listen. I think that's amazing and quite frankly, all I could've asked for. It's really shitty how untrusting I am of probably everyone in this world, but i'm getting better at it and I know Jeremy is part of the reason. I miss him. Long distance, if a choice, is definitely a no-no.

I spend a lot of my time being anxious and thinking that no one likes me. It's too much work and draining to say the least. Something that i've learned from helping and calming down
Penny recently is that mindset is everything. It's super fucking shitty that  i'm sad a lot, and I get so nervous, but at this point it's who I am and what I have to deal with. Acceptance is truly the first step of recovery, then comes the maintenance of what you have. Once you come to terms about what you are and what you deal with you can begin the process of minimizing it, and to be honest, making it your bitch. Kalei told me something yesterday that also really helped to change my mindset, and it was that the things that you do to 'distract' yourself when you're sad can also be seen as you making an active effort to make yourself better, and ultimately happier. It's a super DUH thing but sometimes the simplest of things and intentions are the hardest to see.

It's super cheesy but I almost see myself as a sort of Veteran of depression. Like the Buddhists that almost reach Nirvana but don't so that they can mentor the other people to get to that position too. When I reach my Nirvana my ass is taking it though.

I don't what Day __: it is but i'm proud of myself.

Day 7: Yesterday vs. Today 6/15

I woke up today feeling good and ready. Yesterday was sadly much more different, yet at the same time it did make me re-realize how great I have it.
Jeremy left for Japan two, now three days ago and i'm having a really hard time coping with it. I mean of course I miss him and love him to no end, but I also have this unexplainable soaring anxiety about him being on this trip. The sad thing is it doesn't make a lot of sense that I can say that I both love him and get panic attacks from him basically enjoying his life and having fun. I hope he never reads this. This used to be a really bad problem to the point where he couldn't handle it anymore and we had really bad arguments about it, I honestly got about 98% better and super cool again, but I guess the 2% manifested the last few days and took over my life.
This time around Jeremy is extremely understanding, and I, may I add, am also very pure hearted as well. Also, today is notably our 87th day since our relationship was saved :-)

I think what i'm try to say is that even though yesterday was downright horrible where I cried three times at work where the DON had to say something, I have amazing people. I sound like a broken record, but I really do. Coworkers asked if I was okay, which is so simple, but also so necessary and meaningful to me. Jeremy called me, Chasity was super worried and encouraging, and Penny and Chae really took care of me and helped me to forget all the bad things.

To put it bluntly, I spent a lot of yesterday when I wasn't fucked up trying to think about what's wrong with me; where I went wrong and where i'm not like a regular human being. Simply put, my brain spends all its time thinking about Jeremy, what i'm missing out and what he's doing, how happy he is with other people compared to me. #1, I need to stop this deadly comparison game, and #2 I don't think its normal or healthy for me to be constantly thinking about this. I need to train my mind to think like a human and just kind of forget about those things, in one ear and out the other. I feel so guilty towards Jeremy, he's just trying his best for me.
I'm trying my best for him too.

On a way more positive note.. I know I can do this, no doubt in my mind. I've never failed and I don't plan to now :-) I saved my amazon unboxing for this morning just in case I felt down. I have so many things to look forward to.. I got this!!