Day 10

Maybe i'm worth more than I think I am. More than others think I am. I;m worth a lot.

Day 9: Not all days are good days 8/2

I'm not going to lie, i'm not in the best place right now. I relapsed in bulimia, and unlike other times, it wasn't just once and done. Thankfully I have Jeremy who is proving as an amazing support system. I love him a lot, like a mention in almost every blog post. I don't have the courage or resilience to keep typing and writing out how I feel, but I do know that I will get better and overcome this. I'm writing this to note that sometimes this happens to the best of us at the best of times. I never want to fall in this hole again, it makes me feel so lonely even though i'm not. To end this on a positive note, me and Jeremy are going to Disney Land. Exciting, huh?

Day 8: Good to be happy 6/28

Life has been pretty crazy the last few days.. To start off, i'm at Stump House, a Seattle coffee house, writing this blog post at 6am in the morning. Crazier thing is I was at Portland just a day ago. I haven't seen Jeremy for over two weeks now since he's been at Japan and I miss him probably a little more than a lot. Luckily i'll get to see him as soon as Sunday :-)
I'm very happy to say that this trip has for the most part, been all about me. I didn't obsess over something or have anxiety about Jeremy or anything like that yet, and hopefully the duration of the entire trip (don't jinx it, Nicole). I feel like i've learned quite a bit if I have to really get into it..
Portland is BEAUTIFUL and the people there are super duper absolutely positively nice. Yet, for some reason it doesn't feel like it could be home. Crazy to think that a few years ago I thought that I could pack up all my shit and leave to live there. Maybe one day, just not today.
I learned that communication is key and to trust Jeremy more than I did before. He's a better guy than he used to be. He's more understanding and willing to listen. I think that's amazing and quite frankly, all I could've asked for. It's really shitty how untrusting I am of probably everyone in this world, but i'm getting better at it and I know Jeremy is part of the reason. I miss him. Long distance, if a choice, is definitely a no-no.

I spend a lot of my time being anxious and thinking that no one likes me. It's too much work and draining to say the least. Something that i've learned from helping and calming down
Penny recently is that mindset is everything. It's super fucking shitty that  i'm sad a lot, and I get so nervous, but at this point it's who I am and what I have to deal with. Acceptance is truly the first step of recovery, then comes the maintenance of what you have. Once you come to terms about what you are and what you deal with you can begin the process of minimizing it, and to be honest, making it your bitch. Kalei told me something yesterday that also really helped to change my mindset, and it was that the things that you do to 'distract' yourself when you're sad can also be seen as you making an active effort to make yourself better, and ultimately happier. It's a super DUH thing but sometimes the simplest of things and intentions are the hardest to see.

It's super cheesy but I almost see myself as a sort of Veteran of depression. Like the Buddhists that almost reach Nirvana but don't so that they can mentor the other people to get to that position too. When I reach my Nirvana my ass is taking it though.

I don't what Day __: it is but i'm proud of myself.

Day 7: Yesterday vs. Today 6/15

I woke up today feeling good and ready. Yesterday was sadly much more different, yet at the same time it did make me re-realize how great I have it.
Jeremy left for Japan two, now three days ago and i'm having a really hard time coping with it. I mean of course I miss him and love him to no end, but I also have this unexplainable soaring anxiety about him being on this trip. The sad thing is it doesn't make a lot of sense that I can say that I both love him and get panic attacks from him basically enjoying his life and having fun. I hope he never reads this. This used to be a really bad problem to the point where he couldn't handle it anymore and we had really bad arguments about it, I honestly got about 98% better and super cool again, but I guess the 2% manifested the last few days and took over my life.
This time around Jeremy is extremely understanding, and I, may I add, am also very pure hearted as well. Also, today is notably our 87th day since our relationship was saved :-)

I think what i'm try to say is that even though yesterday was downright horrible where I cried three times at work where the DON had to say something, I have amazing people. I sound like a broken record, but I really do. Coworkers asked if I was okay, which is so simple, but also so necessary and meaningful to me. Jeremy called me, Chasity was super worried and encouraging, and Penny and Chae really took care of me and helped me to forget all the bad things.

To put it bluntly, I spent a lot of yesterday when I wasn't fucked up trying to think about what's wrong with me; where I went wrong and where i'm not like a regular human being. Simply put, my brain spends all its time thinking about Jeremy, what i'm missing out and what he's doing, how happy he is with other people compared to me. #1, I need to stop this deadly comparison game, and #2 I don't think its normal or healthy for me to be constantly thinking about this. I need to train my mind to think like a human and just kind of forget about those things, in one ear and out the other. I feel so guilty towards Jeremy, he's just trying his best for me.
I'm trying my best for him too.

On a way more positive note.. I know I can do this, no doubt in my mind. I've never failed and I don't plan to now :-) I saved my amazon unboxing for this morning just in case I felt down. I have so many things to look forward to.. I got this!!

Day 6: Holy Shit 5/7

It's been a whirlwind of a time and I think the blog is finally due for an update.

First of all, I got into nursing school!! This is something i'm incredibly excited about. Just to think in two short years i'm going to have my RN. It's amazing to think that i'm finally getting somewhere professionally. Speaking of profession, I also signed a 6 month contract with Kaiser about a month ago as a CCA through my agency, Aerotek. It wasn't the dream situation being that the employment was through an agency, but the more I think about it, it's the perfect scenario and job description.

Next, the debt.. I don't even know how to sort the madness I wrote out for my Day 5 post, but to sum it up I started off by splitting the money, I gave some to my mom, some to jeremy, and some to myself to pay of my debt nearly $2k debt. Needless to say I didn't have enough, but i'm working full time between Maunalani and Kaiser to make the rest of the ends meet.

Now, speaking of making ends meet.. I was in line to, but then I made the last minute decision to splurge and take a trip with Chas to Portland/Seattle, and I couldn't be any more excited! Super unlike me, but I was just so sad thinking about Jeremy going on his trip to Japan without me. I don't know, I knew of course that he asked me but I didn't have the money and I wanted it to be our trip like we mentioned before. I was also bummed to think that this is my only summer before nursing school really begins, I just got in, and i'm not doing anything or rewarding myself. I'm still trying to figure out if i'm a psycho girlfriend or if i'm justified. LOL.

Regardless, there are so many things i'm looking forward to! It's crazy, when I was in high school it just felt like Portland would be a mecha, the place where I belonged and now that I look there aren't much things to do. It's crazy how much a person can change and mature in just a few, but crucial years. It's alright though because the things that I am truly looking forward now is wearing red lipstick to dinner and doing normal, healthy things with one of my best friends, Chas. My goal for the trip is to be happy and not think about Jeremy having fun without me because he deserves all the happiness he brings to himself as he has brought me so many. I know how i'm supposed to feel but sometime my body takes a while to process. I deserve to make myself incredibly happy too. In a sense, this is better for me because I need to learn how to do things for myself, for myself.

With all this being said, i'm about $-600 short of reaching my goals of saving enough for nursing, mom's CNA and getting Jeremy's debt to only $1k, but hey, it's about time I start investing in me.

Day 5: I hope I can look back at this one day and laugh one day 2/28

Becoming Vulnerable to the Pill

There are two things in my life I previously swore never to try: birth control and happy pills.

It's hard to admit you need something, something to make you happy. Its been at least a month or two since I started getting prescribed pills and within that short period of time I went through a number of endeavors that the pill may or may have not helped me through. Overall, I don't know. But what I do know is that my life will be better, and easier if I just believe that it did.
My main and only goal regarding these pills..

I don't know where this is going. I'll come back to this in a bit
tbc.

Day 4- Herro, its been a bit 1/20

Do you guys ever just do something without thinking and then immediately realize you've made a mistake. I did. I slapped Jeremy in the face and it came out way more serious than I intended it to and so of course I feel really, really bad. He really hasn't talked to me since, and even though its only been about 30 hrs, it's much more than i'm used to and I miss him so much.
I learned a few things through this lesson, he may not give good hugs, like they aren't big or squishy and sometimes he pats my back like i'm someones baby but it makes me feel good and calm because they are his hugs. I came over to Chae's without him to meet the puppies and she told me something that almost made me break down in front of her.. She told me that of course he isn't going to break up with you because he's going to marry you one day. She said when she asked Jeremy if he is happy where he is (with me) and he replied that he's going to marry me and we are going to have children. This is super sappy and really shit-ily written but it made my heart so fucking much. We have our highs and lows but I always thought he gave up on us, and well, he didn't. It actually went a lot better and raw in real life but I wanted to write this out so I hopefully remember this one day. Love you Jeremy Nagahama.