Day 1- Vomit 11/13

I made the plunge and decided to call a therapist.
Within the last few days I came to the realization that I have a lot to lose. I love everyone around me more than I love myself, arguably one of my problems, but none the less i'm making it harder for them to be happier too. Im not strong on my own and I depend on others to help me feel confident and unstoppable.
There are a few other harsh realities i've come to, for example, i'm in the gray area of being suicidal. Good for two reasons: 1. It's real to me now and I know what I have to deal with, and 2. Its not all one color yet. Its something I can still pull to either side of the spectrum. With that being said though, of course there are cons. Most importantly is that its real and its something that im going through and wont be done by tomorrow. No one decides to end their life overnight. It takes years of thoughts and escalations above and below their baseline. Sometimes life is amazing but I still have the thought that i'd rather die, sometimes life is shit and I think, fuck i'd love to die. Running away isnt something I should keep doing, it's something I truthfully shit on to be honest. Im talking about it like its a joke but its difficult to write about it as rawly as you go through it. I think sometimes part of therapy is laughing at yourself. Wanting to die but not wanting to kill yourself is a little funny if you ask me.

After a while you cant get mad at people for being exhausted around you. It's understandable and soemtimes I think its a miracle Jeremy loves me so much to stick around and deal with my shit. I made a promise to get better and I intend to keep it so that I can live a great life with everyone in it! This was a somewhat very lighthearted entry about some very serious things, and to continue that off im introducing a diary entry series of pictures and happy things toward well-being and being healthy!

Photos :-)

I bleached my hair for the first time today. I've always wanted to but I was always too scared because of my grandparents. This was almost as revolutionary as me giving myself a sticknpoke 3 years ago at 4am in the morning.  P.s the hair looks better up LOL. Same day photos- different outerwear :-)