Life has been pretty crazy the last few days.. To start off, i'm at Stump House, a Seattle coffee house, writing this blog post at 6am in the morning. Crazier thing is I was at Portland just a day ago. I haven't seen Jeremy for over two weeks now since he's been at Japan and I miss him probably a little more than a lot. Luckily i'll get to see him as soon as Sunday :-)
I'm very happy to say that this trip has for the most part, been all about me. I didn't obsess over something or have anxiety about Jeremy or anything like that yet, and hopefully the duration of the entire trip (don't jinx it, Nicole). I feel like i've learned quite a bit if I have to really get into it..
Portland is BEAUTIFUL and the people there are super duper absolutely positively nice. Yet, for some reason it doesn't feel like it could be home. Crazy to think that a few years ago I thought that I could pack up all my shit and leave to live there. Maybe one day, just not today.
I learned that communication is key and to trust Jeremy more than I did before. He's a better guy than he used to be. He's more understanding and willing to listen. I think that's amazing and quite frankly, all I could've asked for. It's really shitty how untrusting I am of probably everyone in this world, but i'm getting better at it and I know Jeremy is part of the reason. I miss him. Long distance, if a choice, is definitely a no-no.
I spend a lot of my time being anxious and thinking that no one likes me. It's too much work and draining to say the least. Something that i've learned from helping and calming down
Penny recently is that mindset is everything. It's super fucking shitty that i'm sad a lot, and I get so nervous, but at this point it's who I am and what I have to deal with. Acceptance is truly the first step of recovery, then comes the maintenance of what you have. Once you come to terms about what you are and what you deal with you can begin the process of minimizing it, and to be honest, making it your bitch. Kalei told me something yesterday that also really helped to change my mindset, and it was that the things that you do to 'distract' yourself when you're sad can also be seen as you making an active effort to make yourself better, and ultimately happier. It's a super DUH thing but sometimes the simplest of things and intentions are the hardest to see.
It's super cheesy but I almost see myself as a sort of Veteran of depression. Like the Buddhists that almost reach Nirvana but don't so that they can mentor the other people to get to that position too. When I reach my Nirvana my ass is taking it though.
I don't what Day __: it is but i'm proud of myself.
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